Sample - Lick and the Invasion: The Beginning (Book 1)
Lick and the Invasion: The Beginning (Book 1) (A Humorous Science Fiction Adventure)
Introduction
They came up on us like a gravy crap. We was just down by the creek dranking and shooting when them ugly suckers flanked us. My name is Lick. They call me Lick cause when I was a baby I used to lick everything. This is the story of me and my buddy Fanger. We call him Fanger cause when he was a kid he broke his panky fanger on his right hand and his mom and deddy didn't git it fixed right. Now it sticks out all the time like a fancy yankee or English man dranking tea. Anyway, this is the story of our first encounter and how we ended up on the run. Just like everybody else.
Chapter 1 - First Contact
"Leave that thang alone, Fanger!" I hollered. "You ain't the Crocodile Hunter."
"Dadgum, Lick it's just a little copperhead. It ain't gonna do nothin'." Fanger let go of the snake's tail and sipped his beer.
I started to take a sip but stopped and perked up my ears. Something out in the woods was russlin’ around. Usually when the sun goes down you can't hear nothing but crickets and frogs. But right then I didn't hear nothing but russlin’.
"Git your shotgun, Fanger." We always had plenty of guns and ammo around when we was drankin’. We liked to practice our rapid reload and shotgun speed shooting down by the creek. By my clock, Fanger had broke the shotgun speed shooting record on more than one occasion.
"What the hell for?" Fanger licked his bottom lip and listened.
"For that!" I drew my pistol and squeezed off shots like Rambo. This nasty ass thang jumped across the creek, screeching and shit with his tongue hanging out and wagging. I placed a few rounds square in his noggin and dropped him like a turd.
Fanger snatched his shotgun off the ground, cocked it and popped off a couple, just as warning shots for anything out there.
"What in the hell is that damn thang?" Fanger said, holding his shotgun up to his shoulder and scanning the woods.
"Couldn't tell ya, man." I hunkered down and ran my hand over the top of the critters strangy haired head. My hand slid down its neck and over the cold clammy skin on its back. I stared for a minute, looking down at its naked body. "If I didn't know better I'd say that's Bill Cooper. But with slick white skin and a dangly tongue."
Fanger sidestepped over and hunkered down next to me, still aiming his shot gun to the woods. "Holy shit," he said, jumping away. "That is Bill Cooper!"
Fanger spun around looking for something to shoot. I stood up to listen and my butthole puckered. "More comin'!" I hollered. "Across the creek!"
Fanger dropped his shotgun and drew his pistol. We opened fire into the woods, not really aiming just hoping to hit something before it hit us. These nasty critters bolted out of the woods and sprang across the creek. They all had slick looking white skin and big ass tongues.
One of them came at me, tongue swanging from side to side, and tried to lash me with it. Ain't no way in hell I'm getting tongue slapped. Specially with a name like mine. I grabbed its tongue with my right hand, hoisted that sumbitch over my shoulder like a sack of taters, then flipped it over my head like I was Steven Seagal. The damn thang flipped around onto its feet like a cat, but I already had him in my sights and fired one into its skull.
I looked over and Fanger was rasslin' one of them. I didn't see how, but the damn thang disarmed Fanger. Fanger's tough as they come though and don't give up without a fight. Specially after he's been drankin’. I took aim at the critter rolling around with Fanger, but another lunged across the creek at me. I raised my pistol and put that sumbitch down. They kept coming too. I didn't get a chance to shoot the one rasslin’ Fanger, but I took down every one that came at us from the woods.
As I was shooting, I saw Fanger out of the corner of my eye. He was standing toe to toe with the critter with his hands up ready to box. The critter lashed his tongue and Fanger danced out of the way, dropped his shoulder and charged that sumbitch. Fanger wrapped his arms around the critter's waist and body slammed it to the ground. The critter flapped his arms out the side and kicked his feet, trying to flip Fanger off his back. Fanger snatched his arms and locked them in a double chicken wang.
"Kill him!" I hollered.
Fanger didn't say nothing. He wasn't the type to talk and bullshit when he fought. He got straight to business. He laid out over the critter’s back, wrapped his left arm around the critter's elbows to hold the chicken wang with one hand, then slapped his right hand around on the critters face. He felt around for the critters eyes and pressed his pokey fanger into its eye socket. The critter's left eyeball popped and sprayed juice half way across the creek. That seemed to do. That damn critter didn't move an inch after that.
"I did it!" Fanger hollered, standing up over the critter and raising his right arm in victory. "I found its ankly heels."
"What?" I said, scoping out the next critter.
"Its ankly heels, man. Its weakness! Shoot’em in the eyeball!"
"It's akillers heel, dumbass, and I'm pretty sure anything'll die if you poke deep enough into its eyeball. Git the beer and let's haul ass to the truck!"
I snatched up the bullets with my left hand and kept my pistol ready with my right. Fanger hoisted the beer cooler onto his right shoulder and ran behind me with his shotgun pointed to the ground. We heard more russlin’ behind us but we didn't stop to look. We got up to the road and collapsed against the truck. Neither one of us smoke, too damn expensive these days, and we were in pretty good shape from toting shit around at the junkyard all day, but the climb up from the creek was a bitch.
"Holy shit," Fanger said, gasping for air and pointing up at the sky, "What the hell is that?"
I scooted my back up the side of truck and adjusted my cap, squinting to adjust my eyes. Some kind of bright light hovered in the sky over the top of where town was. At least we figured town was still there. "What do you reckon that is?" I asked.
"Couldn't tell yeah, man." Fanger spit and rotated around, putting both arms up on the bed of the truck and bending his knees to stretch his rib cage. "The damn sewage treatment plant finally exploded is my guess."
"Git in the truck." I jerked the door open and climbed up to the cab. As I slammed the door, one of those critter's head rammed into the side. I pushed the door open and leaned to look down the side of the truck. The damn thang popped up right in my face. I yanked the door closed and my right hand slapped my hip, reaching for my gun was my natural instinct. Before I could draw, the glass shattered in my face and cold fingers wrapped around my neck.
I grabbed its wrist with both hands and pulled with all my might, but the sumbitch was strong as shit. He pulled me closer to him and lashed out his tongue. I ducked my head to the right, dodging the tongue, and a shotgun blast rang my ears. Some kind of ooze sprayed across my face. I couldn't call it blood cause it was too black and too thick. The critters arm went limp in my hands and I pushed myself up in the seat with my legs. My head followed the arm out the window to git a look. The critters head was blowed clean off. The body collapsed and was leaning like a circus contortionist on the side of my truck.
"More comin'!" Fanger hollered, standing in the bed of the truck. He fired off a shot and one of them critters fell to the ground at the edge of the woods.
I cranked the truck, threw it into gear, and Fanger sat down in the bed of the truck with his shotgun on ready. I hauled ass down the gravel road with the ass end of the truck fish tailing around the curves. Fanger's shotgun blasted at a steady rhythm from behind me and them damn critters lurched out of the woods ahead of me. I swerved to avoid one critter and heard the hollow thump of something crashing in the front of the truck. A head bounced over the hood and slapped into the windshield, spraying black ooze everywhere. Like a dumbass, I turned on the wipers. Black ooze covered the damn windshield and I couldn't see shit. With both hands on the steering wheel, I pulled myself up, hooked my left arm out the busted window, and pulled my head out to see. Steering with just one hand, I said screw it and started aiming straight for them sumbitches ever time I saw one.
This went on for a good two miles. Fanger poppin’ them off from the back and me ramming their asses from the front. Once we got closer to the paved road, I saw headlights blazing from the left and taillights glowing from the right. I stopped at the intersection and Fanger pounded on the roof off the truck, jumped out of the bed and hopped in the passenger seat.
"What in the hell's goin' on?" Fanger said, twisting around in the seat. Those critters had stopped charging us for some reason, but neither of was gonna drop our guard.
"Couldn't tell ya, man."
Fanger hopped out and rubbed the black ooze off the window with a rag he found on the floor board. He jumped back in and we sat for a minute watching car after car full of people we knew heading out of town. I looked over at Fanger and we both turned our eyes up to the big ass light in the sky. With all the critters and cars evacuating we damn near forgot all about the big ass light.
"You wanna do it?” I said, looking over at Fanger.
"You damn skippy I do."
I crossed the traffic and turned left. As soon as I did, ever car insight started blasting their horns. The truck in front of us in the other lane flashed its brights and I slowed down. I pulled up next to Earl Bigley and hollered over the horns, "What's all the fuss about?"
"Hell if I know," Earl hollered. "Some kinda invasion."
"What?" Fanger hollered, climbing over me to poke his head out the window.
"Invasion!" Earl hollered and took off down the road. The cars behind him flew past, filling in the gap Earle created by stopping.
"He said invasion, right?" Fanger said, floppin’ back down in his seat.
"That's what I heard."
I gave Fanger a nod and he nodded back. I took off towards town, ignoring the horn blasts and hollering that came from the cars. I drove, keeping my eye on the big ass light in the sky. Fanger flopped around in the seat, on the look out for critters.
"Holy shit," I said pointing up at the sky, "That damn things blinking."
"What fer, you reckon.” Fanger sat up straight for a better look.
I shrugged and put the petal to the metal. We hauled ass down the road for several miles, the other cars a had all gone past and the road was empty except for us.
"Look! Look! Look!" Fanger hollered, snatching his shotgun from between the door and the seat.
I tilted my head up and squinted. At first I thought I was seeing a flock of birds but they were too damn big. The wings spread out about eight or ten feet wide. When one got closer, I could tell it wasn't no damn bird. Feet landed on the hood of the truck, graceful as hell, and a set man junk stood square in my face. The damn thang was naked as hell and built like a person with wings. It lowered itself to one knee, looked through the windshield and shifted its eyes between me and Fanger.
"Lick," Fanger said, raising his shotgun, "I swear that's Bill Cooper again. Didn't you kill his ass?"
"I thought I did." Just as I got a good look at the thang, it opened its mouth and screeched to high heaven. The sumbitch leaned its head up to the big ass light and looked back down at me, screeching the whole time. Slobber dripped from it's lips and two fangs appeared as it stretched its mouth wide and curled up its top lip.
"That thang's a dadgum vampar," Fanger hollered. He raised the shotgun and aimed it at the vampar.
"Wait! Stop!" I said, reaching for the shotgun but it was too late. Fanger pulled the trigger. I jerked my right arm up to cover my face. I looked under my arm and through the hole in the windshield. Fanger hit the vampar square in the chest. That black ooze flowed out but the vampar wasn't fazed a damn bit.
"Those ain't no silver bullets!" I hollered.
"Don't matter none. That ain't no werewolf." Fanger fired of another shot, blowing the vampars head clean off. Its wings went limp, dropped down over the hood of the truck and the body rolled off onto the road.
"They're swarming on us!" I hollered. Vampars flew into the truck from all directions, head butting it and denting the shit out of every inch of my ride. My hands swung side to side, fighting to keep the truck on the road. The roof crunched in and an arm shot through the window, the hand feeling around for something to grab onto. I swatted with my left hand, keeping the hand from grabbing me.
Fanger pointed the shotgun towards the roof and moved the tip of the barrel around, trying to figure out where best to shoot. Then the big ass light stopped flashing and the vampars took off into the air. They flew in formation towards the big ass light.
"Screw this," I said, stomping on the gas, "I wanna know what the hell is goin' on."
The truck still ran good even though those asshole vampars tried the pounded us flat. We got just to the edge of town and steered over to the side of the road.
"Whaddya thank?" I said, twisting the key and killing the engine.
"Couldn't tell ya, man." Fanger opened the door and climbed out of the truck.
I grabbed some bullets, checked that my gun was on hip and climbed out too. I walked around the front of the truck, looking up at the sky. "That light looks dimmer than before."
"Sure does," Fanger said, meeting at the front of the truck. "Let's walk in a little ways and go in stealth."
I nodded and we walked side by side off the shoulder of the road. We crept along the woods, eyes peeled and guns ready, inching our way to the edge of town. As we got closer we could see naked people walking around all over the place.
"They hippies or somethin'?" Fanger whispered.
"Lord I hope not," I whispered back. "That's all we need is a hippy invasion."
We stayed low in the woods and watched. The naked people walked in and out of the buildings around town but didn't seem to be doing a damn thang.
"I'm goin' in,” Fanger said, straighten up and climbing to the road.
I followed, trying to figure out why a bunch of hippies would invade our town.
Fanger grabbed my shoulder, damn near poking me in the eye with has bad fanger and said, "There's Bill Cooper again."
"There he is again." I pointed to the other side of the street.
"Hey, that's Maybelle Turner." Fanger let go of my shoulder. "Dang, she looks halfway decent naked."
"There she is again with another Bill Cooper." My mouth dropped open. I figured it out. "Them are clones," I said in a loud whisper.
"What about those tongue critters at the creek and the vampars?" Fanger scratched his head with his pokey fanger.
"Shit, man, I thank we better git to the junkyard. I got a bad feeling about this."